August 9, 2012

A way to say goodbye

Remember that one time when I used to blog?
In fact, remember that one time when I use to run?

Obviously neither have been happening much lately.
I’m finishing up my summer classes, so I’ve been consuming books and writing papers.
And that whole running thing? The last time I ran was Sunday for 11 miles, and the last mile I practically walk/jogged, and even that was painful.

So this post isn’t a happy post. In more ways then one.
In fact, I’ve been doing a LOT of thinking lately, and talking with Music Man, and more thinking and I’m honestly not sure about the marathon anymore.

Last week, I struggled on my long run. Really struggled.
The first four miles I did myself, and the whole entire time my mind was consumed with negative thoughts about not being about to finish the race. My leg was hurting and all I could think about was the pain and hurting myself to the point of never running again. Then I picked up my run with a friend and by the time we hit mile 6 together (10 for me), my leg just stopped working. I dropped my pace tremendously and I don’t know, my leg hurt in places it had never hurt before. My IT band felt like it was pulling away from my hip. I had a sharp pain in my upper hamstring every time I took a step, and my inner thigh was just stiff.
So I hobbled the last mile home, sat in an ice bath, foam rolled and iced on and off all day, and by the time I got in bed, I could barely roll over because my leg was in so much pain and stiff.

I’m better now… just a small tingle in my hammie, but I also haven’t run for four days. I’m going to attempt a small run tomorrow, but if there’s any pain, then I’m done.
I’ll finish the marathon… I’ll at least run over the finish line, but I have a feeling it’s going to be more of a vacation weekend for Music Man and I, and I’ll be walk/jogging 26.2 miles.

I’m just not ready for it.
And in all truth, I may never be. 13.1 is a good distance. I enjoy it. I can do it.
But until I get my head back into the game, and this leg pain free, there is no way I can finish 26.2 by running the whole race.

It’s time to be smart. It’s time to step back.
It’s time to stop.

Bad news bears #1.

Now it’s time for #2.

I’m just going to come out and say it or I won’t.

I think it’s also time I let Enduring go dark.

It’s not that I don’t enjoy writing about running…. and I know that my writing, and my honesty, and my goofiness has inspired some of you.
But it’s not my passion.
At least not right now.
*see above*
I’ve lost something for running, and I think part of that is because I’m trying to write about it as it happens.
One of the best pieces of writing advice I’ve ever got from my CNF professor about trying to write nonfiction is that I need time away from it to make sense of it.

Sometimes I feel like I just word vomit without coherently piecing together an essay.
And I feel like my stream of consciousness/ Gonzo Journalistic style is eating into my brain cells.

I’m getting back into school and I’m trying to write academically again. I’m trying to find my scholarly voice. I’m also trying to find my protagonist’s voice for my novel… and I can’t do any of that because my blogging voice has consumed me.
It’s taken over my writing style, and it’s taken over my grammatical style.
And I also feel like I’m trying too hard to be the other runners I read about instead of being the me runner. Which is why I’m probably not a runner right now.

I’m not quitting writing though. It’s in my blood. I mean… I do have other projects I’m working on. I just need to focus on those.
I mean, I have tried for a good five years to blog about my life in different ways, and I’ve had probably three or four blogs in that time period, and none of them have been the right fit.
I’ve experimented, but I haven’t found my niche—the right thing for me to blog about anyway.

And this year I’ve finally figured out my passions: literature, kids, teaching.
And that’s what I want to chase. That’s me. That’s what I need to be writing about. I’m ready to be a scholar.
Maybe someday I’ll come back to Enduring. Maybe I’ll be one of those Moms Who Run bloggers. I don’t know.
Right now,I’m ready to run just to run. Not to write about it.

So thank you for reading. Thank you for running along with me.
Keep running friends. Seek Peace and Choose Joy.

Most of all, keep enduring.
Even if I’m not running now… I will be one day. I will finish that race.