May 15, 2011

"Oh, I'm still a dreamer / a believer..."

"Sometimes I just wanna start over / Cuz everything looks like a wreck / And I need the courage to carry on
 / Cuz I can’t see what’s ahead..."
I've had numerous days where I wish I could close my eyes and wake up again that same morning, so I can fix whatever mess I've gotten myself into or change my attitude about the little things that get me. When I look back at my life (which isn't that often because I try to stay forward focused, nor very much considering I'm only 24) I sometimes think I'd like to go back to the beginning of my junior year of high school and start over there. It's not that I was a party kid and made terrible mistakes that year. I didn't drink. I didn't do drugs. I didn't have sex. I didn't lie, cheat, or steal. So I have nothing to fix. That year was simply a good year for me. I was starting the journey towards getting into college and deciding what I really wanted to be when I grew up. My faith had become such a part of me that year that I was seeing life through it. I simply want to go back so I can cement the dreams I had started to develop, and the character God was creating in me and stick with them.
I'm a Child of God and a dreamer. I have been my since I was born. I dream big. I use my imagination. I see the world with wonder and awe and believe anything is possible through my faith. Or, at least I used too. I'm not quite sure when I lost that, though part of me thinks it was sometime during college.
Life happens and we change. I heard once that our personalities go through a transition every six months. It's not that we do a complete 180 degree turn and change who we are, but the little things change. We may start to see the world differently or become a republication instead of a democrat. We make pick up a new hobby and drop an old one. We may start to dress a little more vibrant instead of bland. The point is, is that as we grow as a person, we keep developing and cementing who we are.

Music Man and I are still in a transition period, but it feels like I've been in one since I started college. It started with trying to figure out my dreams-major wise, life/family wise and career wise- to now trying to figure out our dreams as husband and wife. We are both ready for school to start this fall, so he can finally begin his journey into ministry. But, I still feel stuck somedays. And I don't blame that feeling on where I am now or on any mistakes or regret or choice I've made until now. Because without a doubt, I fully believe God has led me to where I am today, and I love the life He has blessed me with. I blame my feeling of stuckness on forgetting how to dream. Of losing faith in many things. On not having patience.
Those who have followed me from blog to blog, or who have gone back to read my other blogs, or simply know me,  know my life has been a journey of broken dreams and hurt. That kind of journey is a journey that plagues most of us in life. It's how our characters grow. So I write about it. I write because it helps me see how my God is working in me and around me; I write because it helps me heal; I write because it helps me understand life; And I write because maybe it will even touch someone.

I write because it is my dream.
A band I like, Santus Real, has a new song out that has touched me in moments when I have needed it most the last couple of weeks. Those have been moments of confusion about my job, confusion about if I should go back to school next year, confusion about if we really should have moved here instead of staying in Texas. Lost's of confusion. Lots of 'ifs'. 
Right now I'm working a job that I don't particularly love and isn't even close to my field of study... but it's a starting point. Because I'm slowly discovering that I would like to go back to school myself, much sooner than later. But more importantly, I'm discovering how much I need my writing in my life. And just how much I would like to write career-wise. Honestly, it's a dream I have had since I was young... but doubt and lack of confidence and worry about finances and worry about being a "career woman" instead of an artist and worry about having studyed the wrong subject because it won't really get me a "real job" plague me as well.
And so I give up my creative, artstic, and low-paying dreams to settle and make others happy.

As I've been doing some new study on characterization... because my dream is to write children's novels... I've realized just how much I have to revert back to my own childhood and my own feelings and emotions and outlook on the world. That's what made me remember I was a dreamer. That I saw the world in faith and wonder and awe.
And how much I want that back:
"But I’d rather speak honestly / And wear a tattered heart on my sleeve / Cuz in the middle of my broken dreams / Redemption is here. / I don’t have every answer in life / But I’m trusting You one day at a time / Cuz You can make a weak heart stay alive / Forever / And this is where heaven and earth collide / I lift my hands, I give my life / This is how my weary heart stays alive....
Cause I'm still a dreamer / a believer / I've lost my faith in so many things / but I still beleive in You"

Maybe someday, if I can ever gain patience, my vocational dream will come true. But until then, life should be about being that dreamer: whether is still hoping to make it to the Olympics someday or having that best selling novel on the New York times list. Being a dreamer, for me, is about seeing the world through wonder and awe and faith. I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I wouldn't have it any other way.