A way to say goodbye

Remember that one time when I used to blog?
In fact, remember that one time when I use to run?

Obviously neither have been happening much lately.
I’m finishing up my summer classes, so I’ve been consuming books and writing papers.
And that whole running thing? The last time I ran was Sunday for 11 miles, and the last mile I practically walk/jogged, and even that was painful.

So this post isn’t a happy post. In more ways then one.
In fact, I’ve been doing a LOT of thinking lately, and talking with Music Man, and more thinking and I’m honestly not sure about the marathon anymore.

Last week, I struggled on my long run. Really struggled.
The first four miles I did myself, and the whole entire time my mind was consumed with negative thoughts about not being about to finish the race. My leg was hurting and all I could think about was the pain and hurting myself to the point of never running again. Then I picked up my run with a friend and by the time we hit mile 6 together (10 for me), my leg just stopped working. I dropped my pace tremendously and I don’t know, my leg hurt in places it had never hurt before. My IT band felt like it was pulling away from my hip. I had a sharp pain in my upper hamstring every time I took a step, and my inner thigh was just stiff.
So I hobbled the last mile home, sat in an ice bath, foam rolled and iced on and off all day, and by the time I got in bed, I could barely roll over because my leg was in so much pain and stiff.

I’m better now… just a small tingle in my hammie, but I also haven’t run for four days. I’m going to attempt a small run tomorrow, but if there’s any pain, then I’m done.
I’ll finish the marathon… I’ll at least run over the finish line, but I have a feeling it’s going to be more of a vacation weekend for Music Man and I, and I’ll be walk/jogging 26.2 miles.

I’m just not ready for it.
And in all truth, I may never be. 13.1 is a good distance. I enjoy it. I can do it.
But until I get my head back into the game, and this leg pain free, there is no way I can finish 26.2 by running the whole race.

It’s time to be smart. It’s time to step back.
It’s time to stop.

Bad news bears #1.

Now it’s time for #2.

I’m just going to come out and say it or I won’t.

I think it’s also time I let Enduring go dark.

It’s not that I don’t enjoy writing about running…. and I know that my writing, and my honesty, and my goofiness has inspired some of you.
But it’s not my passion.
At least not right now.
*see above*
I’ve lost something for running, and I think part of that is because I’m trying to write about it as it happens.
One of the best pieces of writing advice I’ve ever got from my CNF professor about trying to write nonfiction is that I need time away from it to make sense of it.

Sometimes I feel like I just word vomit without coherently piecing together an essay.
And I feel like my stream of consciousness/ Gonzo Journalistic style is eating into my brain cells.

I’m getting back into school and I’m trying to write academically again. I’m trying to find my scholarly voice. I’m also trying to find my protagonist’s voice for my novel… and I can’t do any of that because my blogging voice has consumed me.
It’s taken over my writing style, and it’s taken over my grammatical style.
And I also feel like I’m trying too hard to be the other runners I read about instead of being the me runner. Which is why I’m probably not a runner right now.

I’m not quitting writing though. It’s in my blood. I mean… I do have other projects I’m working on. I just need to focus on those.
I mean, I have tried for a good five years to blog about my life in different ways, and I’ve had probably three or four blogs in that time period, and none of them have been the right fit.
I’ve experimented, but I haven’t found my niche—the right thing for me to blog about anyway.

And this year I’ve finally figured out my passions: literature, kids, teaching.
And that’s what I want to chase. That’s me. That’s what I need to be writing about. I’m ready to be a scholar.
Maybe someday I’ll come back to Enduring. Maybe I’ll be one of those Moms Who Run bloggers. I don’t know.
Right now,I’m ready to run just to run. Not to write about it.

So thank you for reading. Thank you for running along with me.
Keep running friends. Seek Peace and Choose Joy.

Most of all, keep enduring.
Even if I’m not running now… I will be one day. I will finish that race.

-Cait

Featured Fitblogger!

Today marks some exciting news in my blog world.

Enduring is the featured blog over at Fitblogger today!

I wanted to share my full post here. I think maybe I wrote too much for their site!

Anyway, make sure to check out Fitblogger (not just for me of course) but because it’s an awesome directory of fit bloggers, and there are so many talented and inspirational athletes out there!

 

When I think about running, I don’t think about negative splits, 7:30 minute miles, a closet full of fancy gadgets, 80 mileage weeks, sponsorship, or the perfect running body.

I choose my own joy  in running, and I think about finishing.

And in a nutshell, that’s my story and that’s what Enduring is all about.

I have had a passion for running since I was a kid, and my running story isn’t a fancy one.
I ran track in high school, and then when I got to college, I hit the 5k trainer on a treadmill one evening, and the rest is history.
I’m not a fast runner, and in fact, running is actually hard for me. 

But running simply keeps me sane, it helps me breathe, and it makes me who I am.
Enduring is a collection of my thoughts about life and running.
You won’t find a whole lot of tips and tricks because I’m not a certified anything, though I’m slowly integrating them (like how to hydrate in this crazy drought) and working on that whole certification thing.
And every once in a while I do talk about products I believe in.

But mostly, Enduring is a place where my my soles teach my soul.
Running is my metaphor, really.
If I can run 26.2, or train up and cross the finish line of a triathlon, or conquer my hardest hill workout ever, then I know that nothing in life is going to be impossible for me.
As I’ve spent the last five years building myself up to be a runner, I’ve discovered there are a lot of things to learn out on the road. More than just how to have the perfect form, or what shoes to wear for my feet, or what race is the best to run. I’ve learned that running takes more mental strength than physical strength; running isn’t something I always do for myself; and no matter what the circumstance, running heals.

My life is crazy, hectic, stressful, wonderful, blessed, and goofy, just like my running.
But I love it. Even if I’m enduring through some sort of hardship because that reminds me I’m still alive. And being alive is a joy.

I often talk about how running helps me just deal with being an army wife .

And my Mondays start like everyone else’s Mondays do, so I try to add in a little motivation . Because motivation is something that never lacks in running.
But one of my favorite days of the week to run is Thursday because those are the runs that lead me to gratitude .

Running helps me get that life is all about enduring.
Maybe someday I’ll have a Garmin watch, or I’ll cross the barrier of a 7:30 min/mile.
Maybe I’ll even run 100 marathons.
Or maybe I won’t ever do any of those things. But I do know one thing I will always do, no matter the amount of hills on my route.
I will always finish.

My hope is to inspire you in your journey of enduring and running and triathlon-ing and whatever else you're doing.
To help you throw off the things that hinder you, and encourage you to run with perseverance the race marked out for you.
Because really, life is a race. So why not discipline. 

A ‘just deal’ Run

My morning started like this.

Actually, let me back up, because this morning actually started with last night.

This is what happened to my living room

And it spilled over onto my bed, and the dining room table, and pretty much anywhere else there was free room.

It’s often what happens the evening before Music Man Leaves.
He’s got a million things to put together and pack up.

I’m used to it by now.
However, the late nights and early mornings… that’s something I’ll never get used too.
This morning started with a bedtime of about 11:45 pm by the time everything was all said and done.

I was definitely tired, pimply faced, and full of dark circles.
Lovely. Glad I documented it.

Then, the alarm went off about 3:30 am since Music Man had to drive a bit  to catch his 6am flight.
He’s off to two weeks of Army leadership school, and even though we just did close to four weeks apart, and even though I’m used to all of this, I feel this will be the hardest separation this summer.
We probably won’t get to talk much, if at all this time.
That’s often the hardest part for me.

So, when my 5:30 am alarm went off, I turned it off and rolled back over really just wanting to stay in bed all day.
It’s how I feel when he leaves.

But, I’m stronger than that.

I only slept for about another hour and then dragged myself out of bed. Almost literally.
Then I pulled on the jog bra and sneakers,and headed out for a watchless run.

It’s my typical Just Deal run.

This is Music Man’s third training trip this summer, he had two last summer, and before that, he had multiple trips or weekends in the field when he was active duty, not to mention a deployment.
I’m used to it.
But running , among many other things, helps me through it.

I’m not typically a mopey person, but I can be. Oh boy, can I be.
But I don’t like to be. I’d rather be joyful, encouraging, positive, and hopeful.
Yet like the first few steps of a run, the first day of him gone is always the hardest.
I seriously, well, maybe if I had a tv in the bedroom, could stay in our bed all day. I could toss and turn, nap on and off, watch some dopey soap operas or talk shows, spend hours on Netflix, maybe read a book, but mainly just stay sedentary and throw a giant pity party for myself.

I could.
But I never do.

Instead, I get out of bed, and often times head out on some scheduled training run that I never finish.
My Just Deal runs are my best-worst runs ever.
I never hit the mileage I’m supposed to be training for that day.
I never wear a watch.
I just take my jelly legs and run.

After a night of being woken up early, falling in and out of sleep, and crazy dreams (like the one last night where JJ had a stroke and had weird yellow goop coming out of his eyes)  I know my morning run is going to be no good.
Today I was supposed to do 5 easy miles.

I ran 2.5.
It was terrible.
It was beautiful.

When I started I didn’t think I was going to be able to run. My legs hated me. My heart hurt.
But I kept pacing, and after about 3/4 a mile, my legs warmed up. I probably ran at my typical pace, but I don’t know because I didn’t time it.
Instead, I focused on the beauty of the park, and the fact that I ran by a deer 3 feet away from me that didn’t move at all.

And I prayed.
I prayed for safe travel. For encouragement. For strength. For time to grow independently. For Music Man to know how proud of him I am.
I offered up thanksgiving for the life we have and the life we’re being called too. Even if it means being apart.

But mostly, I prayed for endurance.
That we could make it through the next two weeks stronger—in God, in love, in ourselves, and in each other.

And after that horrible-wonderful 2.5 miles, I felt good.
Like I always do.
Because these runs, they take the things I’ve been handed at this one very moment—the things that are hindering me from moving forward—and they teach me not grow weary and lose heart.

They teach me to endure. To persevere.
To just deal.

Passing the Baton: Have you had any runs lately that have taught you something? Do you have something reoccurring in your life in which you find yourself running to deal with it? Have you ever run to get rid of pain before? Do you run for joy? What does a watchless run teach you?
_____________________
Seek Peace. Choose Joy. Find Strong. Live Faith. Breath Hope.

Motivating Monday: Recovery isn’t a stopping point. Just a pause.

I seriously didn’t mean for my lack of running the last half of the week to contribute to my lack of blogging.
But, there really wasn’t much going on in my world.

Just lots of sparklers and the best sugar cookies ever<<

  

The story is: I woke up Wednesday morning ready to relax and enjoy my cardio off day, except that I also woke up with a pain on the outer, lower side of my right knee.
Now, knee pain is completely new to me. I mean, I’ve had pain just about everywhere else except my knee in my 5 years of running.
So, I figured it was a good thing I had an off day.
I foam rolled some because I’ve slacked and my IT band has tightened up a little, and then I iced hoping for a better day Thursday when I was scheduled to do 5 miles.

I woke up Thursday still achy.
So I took another day off.
Repeating the recovery process.

Friday was 3 miles, but my knee was still sore and Music Man had some fun planned, so he told me to take it easy that morning and skip my run.
I didn’t even hesitate.

Then Saturday-long run day-rolls around. I was tired from the day before, but I had thought I could manage a run.
No. Such. Thing.
That 8 miles? Didn’t happen. My leg, though better, was still a bit achy and I really didn’t want to push anything.

So I skipped 16 miles of running last week.

Which is a lot if you’re training for a marathon.

I’ll admit. I was tired. I was cranky. And I was really bummed about not running.
But in my “process of recovery” learning, I was trying to understand that if I ran on the pain, I could not be running for awhile.

Skipping three days of workouts is better for the long run than missing weeks or months of running.

Wouldn’t you know that others agree?

Stop running for at LEAST two days if you feel persistent pain after running. If you feel pain after a run (deciding whether it is soreness or pain is up to you) then take at least 2 days off and if the pain isn’t gone then take another two days off.

(Hungry Runner Girl<< has a great post from last week about injury prevention<< and it’s a combination of her tricks and tips from Kara Goucher’s “Running for Women” <<)

I guess skipping out on a run or two due to pain isn’t a bad thing.
At least not for my body. Maybe for my mind.
And Music Man since he’s the one dealing with my crankiness.

But, I realized that recovering for a few days isn’t a stopping point for me.
So I had a little pain last week.
Did I cancel my marathon plans?

No.

1. Because it’s not some crazy, serious, life threating/leg debilitating injury

2. I am learning how to recover well

3. I am learning what pause means

Listening to my body as I run and taking time to recover is all part of enduring.

Yes, I would love to be able to run 6 out of 7 days a week, but my body isn’t built for that. At least, maybe not yet.
As I’ve said, running comes hard for me. It’s something I have to push myself to do.
But it’s also something I have to teach myself to back off from sometimes.

C’est la vie

The good Lord knows my life has been and will continue to be full of obstacles, just like my running journey.

That’s why I persevere.

And during or after each obstacle, I try to give myself some rest.
To step away from the issue. To find time to pray and meditate.
Often times I run.

But sometimes, I just have to forget about my finances for awhile. Or completely stop thinking about where our future will take us in four years, two years, next year.

All the while knowing that obstacle, that pain, is not a stopping point.
I haven’t given up.
I won’t give up.
I’ll keep running.

I simply—pause.

Passing the Baton: Do you find it hard to pause your training for a few days? To stop moving and just relax, ice, recover, and heal? What about in life? How do you get away from the issues that might be dragging your mind and spirit down?
______________
Seek Peace. Choose Joy. Life Faith.

Motivating Monday: Abs Challenge and Marathon Prep

It’s day 2 of Run to the Finish’s<< abs challenge, and I’m pushing through.

But I won’t lie. I definitely wanted to give up yesterday.

Day 1<< was really hard, especially for my weak core. I was only able to do 2 of the 4 rounds (which I don’t feel too bad because Amanda from RTTF said she started off slowly when she tried that challenge last month) but I did just run 7 miles before I attempted the workout, too.
And by the time evening rolled around, my body was tired from a week of building miles.

But today, I told myself I would push through.
And I did 2 rounds in a row this morning  of Day 2’s workout<< before I felt like my core had died.
But, I did two rounds, which means I still have two more to do before bed tonight and I WILL.
I’m feeling good today, not only am I building strength in my abs… but I’m building confidence in them, believing I can tackle the workout.

Right now, I’m “pre-training” for the marathon. I have this week and next week before my official training starts and I start to move past my high mileage of 25 miles a week.
Am I nervous? Scared my back/hammie/IT  band won’t be able to take it?

Yes.

But I’m building my core, nurturing my IT band, trying to incorporate cross training, conquering yoga, and trying to eat clean all to help me as I increase my mileage.

Basically,

And I think I’m going to adopt this mantra for my marathon.

I’m moving into unknown territory.
I’m going to start running more days a week than I have been the past couple of years. I’m going to start running longer training distances that I’ve ever done.
I’m going to *hopefully* be pushing my pace for some runs and sharing runs with a group of runners.

All to push myself. All to fall in love with running.

All to endure 26.2

Those goals and those miles encourage me to become stronger.
I have to try to become stronger. I have to want to become stronger.  I have to become stronger.
In body. In mind. In spirit.

Let’s face it. Isn’t that the definition of enduring?

Some definitions say “lasting” “durable” “patient suffering” “to hold out against”  “to suffer without yielding”

but one of my favorites it this:

en·dure
verb (used without object)
to have or gain continued or lasting acknowledgment or recognition, as of worth, merit or greatness (dictionary.com)

And I’m not saying when I go from this world that I want some great recognition of my name.
I’m saying that in my own life, I want to endure.
I want to know that what I’ve done physically/fitness wise has made me stronger. I want my fitness to have worth in my life. To have made me a healthy being. To have given me lasting strength of mind because I’ve finished 26.2, or 70.3, or whatever.

I want my endurance to teach me that I can run past anything because I have finished.

So this week, I’m physically busy getting stronger with the hope that mentally and emotionally and spiritually I’m doing the same.

Passing the Baton: What about you? Can you say you’re busy getting stronger in some area of your life? How does running/fitness metaphorically speak for you?
__________________
Seek Peace. Choose Joy. Find Strong.

Glorious, glorious news and how God smacked me in the face

As a warning, this post won’t be featuring many pictures.
But it will include a lot of good news

So…I’ve been hinting a bit this weekend about news—both bad and good.
I think I’ve had enough time to take it all in, so I’m giving you a story.

Our protagonist is a young woman, middle 20’s, slightly unsure of her career future, but strongly trying to focus on God’s plans for her.
She has taken about two years off of school because after entering a master’s program, she realized it wasn’t the right place for her.
In this past two years, she has prayed, and discussed, and meditated on what she is meant to do for a career: something that she has always struggled with. Namely because she has always wanted to be everything at the same time, but secondly, because she not only wants a career that she is passionate about, but one that makes her happy and allows her to help people.

Her first dream is to be a published writer. A blogger… yes, but some sort of paycheck would be nice.
Becoming a writer fulfills her wish to be everything all at once because her imagination can take her anywhere and she can become anyone.

The passion and joy is also fulfilled… but there has always been something still tugging at her.
And she does love literature. Immensely.

So, after two years of prayerful consideration, and even in this economy, she quits her full time job to go back to school because she’s finally decided to quit running from the direction God has been telling her (mostly through people in her life that she refused to listen too.)

Our protagonist has decided to become a teacher (or school librarian. She isn’t 100% sure yet but getting the right certification to get to either place.)
She has a heart for middle school and high school students. She hopes she can instill passion in them and a love of literature.
And she hopes she can change lives.

But after taking her first round of classes, and realizing the financial aspect of the next year and a half, she worries.
She has become a doubting Thomas.

And then, in the midst of a solid week of questioning whether or not this truly is the right path for her, her test scores come back.
To become a teacher, she must take a series of standardized tests, one of which tests her academic proficiency and determines whether or not she can move ahead to her next curriculum classes tentatively scheduled for the fall.
She had taken the test in March, and needs to register for her classes very soon, and so, when she receives the email on Friday evening that holds her fall plans, she breathes and opens it.

Language Arts – passed
Mathematics – passed
Writing – passes
Reading Comprehension – not passed

And she looses her breath and wonders again if this is right for her. Wonders again if she is smart enough to continue on because she has failed the one thing she has an education in and hopes to teach.
There is no time  to retake the test before the fall registration window which now means she must add an extra semester onto her schooling and take on more debt to pay for it.
She feels this is impossible.

And so, her husband takes her bowling that evening to forget about the test, and suggests that perhaps 18 hours would have been too much for the fall anyway.
She does not need to take on that which will stress her to no end.
She shrugs it off, wonders what happened during the test, and has trouble understanding His timing.

And then, Saturday arrives with a letter she had never been expecting.

At the same time she was testing for her academic proficiency, she was submitting applications for scholarships.
One of which offered several awards ranging from $1,000 to $10,000 based on financial need and an essay.

Saturday was the day she found out she had received a scholarship for far more than she ever expected.

Saturday was the day God revealed to her that she was indeed following His path and doing what she was meant to be doing.

Saturday was the day she was showered with a blessing that was enough to cover her entire two years of school, including that extra semester she now had to take.

Saturday was the day she realized doubt was a silly and flippant thing.

Saturday was the day that the idea of enduring smacked her once again.

Because no matter how much she doubted or how much she worried or how much she question, God told her he was bigger.

End scene

 

I really, honestly, have no other words to say about this moment, except that it brings me back to the spring I graduated high school.
I remember standing in my kitchen answering a phone call that would change my life—the college I had initially declined was calling to tell me they were awarded me a full ride scholarship for my academics.
I never thought I’d make it to college in the first place because of finances (oh my gosh…I’ve been worrying about this crap since I was 17? WHAT is wrong with me?) but God told me that day that I shouldn’t have to worry.

But did I listen? No.
Did that whole amazing, grace filled experience change me? No because I am a silly human. Here I am praying for His will and trying to follow Him, but was I trusting? No.

So he smacks me in the face again.

And this time, I am on my knees praising Him letting go of this stupid, stupid financial worry.
He truly is the great provider.
All He asks is that I trust and keep enduring.
To Him be the glory and power forever.

 

Someday, when I’ve had time to think,  this will be part of my memoir.

Motivating Monday: I’m a distance runner

I never, ever thought I would say that.

Ever.

See. I ran sprints in high school. I HATED the mile warm ups.
Then I got to college and realized I wasn’t really athletically special, and with all the “free” cafeteria food, I wasn’t about to gain a billion pounds. (Which is why I cold turkey’d soda and I’ve never looked back.)

So one morning I went to the gym on the first floor of my dorm, stepped on a treadmill, hit the 5k trainer button, and ran 3 miles.

I did that for a million days in a row and eventually headed outside.

And then I finished my first half-marathon that Spring.

And now,5 years later,  I’m a triathlete, contemplating my first marathon, joining a running club, starting up a beginners running group, maybe organizing a 5k, and purely addicted to the miles I can tally up in a week hoping to sometime hit 50.

Crazy. Absolutely crazy.

It’s taken awhile, but I’m learned that it’s all in the name of endurance.
Nothing comes easy and nothing comes fast.

But it always comes at the right time.

And because in all honestly, I don’t know how to give up.

In running.

Or in life.

Just ask Wonder Woman.
I was the world’s most stubborn child.
I can’t even count how many times I got locked in my room.

If only she knew how much running calms me she could’ve just taken me to the track and made me run lap after lap.

Last week wasn’t the best pre-marathon-training week for me, but I didn’t give up.

I like Spring running.
I love Fall running.
But Summer running… I sort of love-hate it.

It’s the heat. It kills me.

But I’m determined. Even if I don’t have a running buddy to train with this fall. I want the marathon.
I want relentless forward progress to the finish.
Because that’s such a beautiful metaphor for life.
It’s not easy. It’s ridiculously hard, and it hurts at times, but there’s a finish.
Someday there is going to be a beautiful finish, and I want to be told “Well Done.”
I want to have run the race.

Today was supposed to be an off cardio day since I’m weaning my way into more run days… but I woke up early out of habit and I headed out.
3 miles in 25 minutes… not too bad in my book.
And I finished the miles, which is what counts.
Summer running’s got nothing on me this year.

So one day of training done for the week. Running group starting tomorrow. The Lincoln Running Club kicks off Sunday. Music Man comes home in 5 days.
It’s going to be a beautiful summer.

Passing the Baton: What’s on your docket this week to kick start summer? Starting a training plan? In the middle of one? What’s your next race? Should I be totally giddy and happy when Music Man comes home, or throw him off and act like it’s no big deal, then surprise him with something?  Ideas people! I need some crazy ideas!
__________
Seek Peace. Choose Joy. Find Strong.

Motivating Monday: We are enough.

I want to continue on from last Thursday’s gratitude post. But before I do, I have to tell you my results.
Time: 1:56.45  Overall: 1802/6758  FemalePl: 611/3709 Agediv: 104/618
And now, to continue:

Here’s the thing. I set a new PR for my half marathon distance, but I probably ran the worst race mentally that I have ever run. (More on this in my race recap later tonight.)

This rainy day won't bring me down.

I woke up to a simple rain shower this morning, and it's absolutely beautiful.
That's not something I  normally say about rain, but today it's my focused thoughts
.
Friday's are my off days and usually I try to get some yoga in, but this morning, my body said sleep.
So I did for a little bit longer than usual.
We had a group of friends over last night for dinner and fellowship, which, when you get a bunch of musical people together turns out to be a night of worship.
Last night was a very soul-filling evening.
A much needed one before the weeks to come.

I was really hoping for another sunshiny, beautiful day  like we've had this week, but the rain has come.
The farmers have planted early, so I know they've been praying for rain,  but I just enjoy the sun too much for it to disappear sometimes.
However, I'll take the rain today. It is sort of a foreshadow on the next couple weeks, but I'm going to try to see past the gloominess.
Music Man is headed off on a 16-day Army venture back to our old stomping grounds (Ft. Hood,) and I'll be here training, racing, and hopefully writing a bunch. I always hate the times that he has to leave, especially this one since it's in the middle of the semester, but he's been working on his classes early so he won't have a huge load while he's gone. Plus, he's headed back to Texas and I am super jealous. I miss the post, the food down there, and most of all our friends.

The Power of Rest

I'm learning to not take my training too seriously.
"But you're a hardcore runner, aren't you?" you may ask.

Why yes, yes I am. Thank you for noticing. But I'm learning that recovery is often the most important part of training.
And so, that's why even though I completely skipped yesterday's 3 mile run in favor of a night out on the town with Music Man and a group of friends, I'm not going to make it up.

Enduring disclaimers

So....there's this whole metaphor of endurance sports that tends to splatter over into my real life which caused me to start this blog.
Which you know if you read my first post.

However, I forgot to mention the disclaimers: